I’m a lawyer (despite my best efforts to only play one on TV). I KNOW that is not how it works. Evidently some people in my office were not subjected to Crim Law 101. Or a single episode of Night Court. If they had been, they would know it’s against the rules of common decency, though admittedly not the laws of common logic, to be accusing me of this masterpiece:
I discovered this yesterday as I was pouring my
35th 2nd cup of afternoon energy, circa 4:30 and promptly poured almond milk all over the floor. There should be a warning about making people laugh while doctoring hot beverages. Needing to share in the hilarity, I marched into the office of a co-worker, I’ll call her Susan, who found the whole stir stick fiasco appropriately amusing. To my delight, she was in the midst of a conversation with someone equally intelligent, I’ll call him Flint. You’ll know why later.
Me: Which one of you did it? (knowing full well neither of them had because they are in positions of authority and arguably have a heightened level of self-restraint)
Them, in unison: Did what?
Me: Don’t play dumb with me. [dramatic exit, stage right; comfortable in the knowledge that my accusation would prompt them to go find the “it” to which I was referring.] For the record, my accusation of them doesn’t count because A. I knew neither of them were guilty from the beginning and B. My blog. My rules.
10 minutes later I was cornered in my cube and
laughing hysterically fearing for my freedom and wrongful prosecution.
Flint: It was you! We know it was you. Accusing us was merely an attempt at diversion.
Me: I can see why you’d think that, but I’m really not that clever.
Flint: Oh, I think you are. And I still think you did it. I’m keeping an eye on you. [exit, stage left; with a disappointing lack of flair and drama]
He didn’t give me a chance to explain how I knew I didn’t do it. I read a lot of Nancy Drew books growing up, so I’m pretty good at figuring these things out. I knew it wasn’t me because: A: I would have remembered making an awesome sign that subtly made fun of 67% of the people here. I don’t suffer from blackouts (on weekday afternoons), B. If it was MY sign, I would have clip-arted the crap out of it, and C. I had deduced the culprit and forced a confession in the walk from Susan’s office to my cube.
On my way in this morning, Susan
was walking in behind me crept up on me like a ninja and threatened to water board me if I didn’t fess up. It went something like this:
Susan: Erin! You did it, didn’t you? You were just trying to divert attention from yourself.
Me: I’m not that clever. You and Flint should really compare notes.
Susan: Well, then who did it?
Me: [Culprit’s name]. I would not make a good CIA agent.
(Side note, I’m not a total ass hat, Culprit not only takes pride in the sign, but knew full well his/her identity was not even a little bit safe with me, which is precisely why s/he confessed).
Susan: HA! Love it. We thought it was hysterical.
Me: If it had been me, there would be clip art.
Susan: Good point.
Susan: What color do you think these pants are? I thought they were black, but now they look navy.
I guess I’ve been exonerated.
In other news, you must go read this RIGHT NOW. It will make your day and is 1047 times funnier than the blog you just read. I don’t have a kid (that I know of), but if I did, this letter would be from him. Oh, and Flint? “more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo made out [of] bacon”? Stealing.