This isn’t the sort of post I normally write, but I felt that the hilarious, witty, yet drastically one-sided quote collection posted by my dear friend The Celtic Curmudgeon deserved a rebuttal from the XX population (or as I like to call it, the superior chromosomal combination – except when I find myself needing to pee with no bathroom in sight – then the XYs have it). I’m here to shed some light on the meaning of what men say (which I know because I’m happily married and my guy friends actually tell me what they said to women and what they really meant. My guy friends are pretty dumb).
Famous Male Quotes
“Can I buy you a drink?” -Men whose total lack of originality and proper grammar clearly doesn’t stop them from trying to get laid
“I’d like to take you on a date. Is next weekend good? My girlfriend is out of town.” -Men who want to get laid by someone other than their girlfriend (this is an actual quote from an actual douche canoe in an actual bar)
“Your butt looks great in those old-school sweatpants.” -Men who lie in order to get laid. Badly.
“Can we just cuddle until we fall asleep?” -Men who accept that they have to say sappy shit like this once in a while if they want to keep getting laid (and it’s true, men, you do, in fact, need to say sappy shit like this).
“I love you, too…baby” -Men who don’t want to end up walking home without their pants but a) can’t remember your name and b) acknowledge that “ditto…baby” is something only Patrick Swayze (RIP) is allowed to say
“Of COURSE I’ll still respect you in the morning” -Men who will get laid simply because they know how to answer stupid rhetorical questions asked by women who have already made up their minds to do something they know will cause regret, heavy drinking, and the purchase of no less than 3 pairs of shoes
“That pink v-neck J.Crew cardi really brings out the highlights in your hair and the silver undertones in that t-shirt.” -Men who want to get laid…by your brother
“Of course it’s ok that all you wanted was a back rub.” -Men who hate you because they thought they’d be getting laid and will take matters into their own hands the minute you’re asleep
“Baby, you’re SO much prettier than [insert the name of your hottest friend here].” -Men to whom the thought of mentally undressing [insert the name of your hottest friend here] had never occurred until you brought it up, theoretically, to squelch your own crippling insecurities
“Look, I like [insert the name of your most sexually frustrated friend here], but she is wrong. I DO fully appreciate you. By the way, if [insert the name of your most sexually frustrated friend here] is ever accidentally killed with a chainsaw, I’ll miss her colorful tales and obvious bitter man-hate.” -Men who lie, deny, lie again, fantasize, then lie once more, then get laid because they don’t date the smartest women on the planet for a very specific reason
“You are beautiful, I respect you, and I want you to be happy” -Men who, if they’re telling the truth, deserve to get laid (this assumes, of course, these mythical creatures actually exist)
“I just want to be friends.” -Men who would rather sit naked in a snow bank for several hours than sleep with you, but have the good sense to remember that they still have a chance to sleep with your hot friends by being nice to you
“My mom wants to know how you feel about having kids.” -Men who can destroy the female libido, maternal instincts and their chances of getting laid any time soon in eleven words