It’s Monday. I’m not terribly observant on Mondays (or ever, but Mondays in particular). It took me 3 trips to the break room to see this sign, a new addition among other absurd coffee station commentary:
My brain jumped quickly from “what the…?” to a myriad of snarky observations. Thankfully just at that moment a co-worker with an equally robust appreciation of the absurd walked in, saving me from standing there talking to a sign. In a plastic sleeve. Because splashing coffee on that sign would be a crying shame.
I pointed at the sign and raised an eyebrow. The following conversation ensued:
Equally Snarky Coworker: Yeah, I saw that earlier [he is obviously more coherent on Mondays]. I don’t know if I even want to know the circumstances.
Me: I’m not even sure what to do with that level of dictatorship in the office. I mean, who are they to decide what I can and cannot do with a wooden coffee stir.
ESC: You know what happened, don’t you? Somebody stuck a stir in their ear.
Me: You’re making that up.
ESC: Yes, I am. But it has to be something equally stupid. I mean, someone put some serious effort into clip-arting the crap outta that thing.
[enter employee who somehow knows everything and isn’t capable of being sarcastic or making things up. I shall dub him Honest Abe. He’s a nice guy, but I suspect by his level of knowledge of nothing anyone should really care about that he’s actually an undercover agent listening in on executive conversations about abuse of break room supplies and toilet paper theft. Hey, it happens.]
HA: You know what actually happened, right??
Me: No. I am not on the asinine sign making committee.
ESC: slight choking noise caused by coffee entering his nasal cavity.
HA: Do you want to know?
Me: Of course I do. Who wouldn’t want to know what was important enough to prompt a sign regarding the proper use of wooden coffee stirs in a room that ONLY GROWN UPS USE?
HA: Someone was using a wooden stir to mix their oatmeal and it broke…
Me: [Confused look as to what that has to do with anything.]
HA: ...so they complained to someone on the safety committee that it was a safety hazard, which is why we only had plastic spoons in here last week, until they could make the sign.
ESC: [quietly stares at HA like he’s an imaginary friend, while slowly stirring his coffee, inadvertently demonstrating the correct use as decreed by the sign.]
Me: How was that brain trust planning on eating their oatmeal with a stick?
HA: I don’t know, that’s a good question (remember, sarcastic inflection is nonexistent).
Me: [muttering] It’s not really a good question.
ESC: Dangerously, apparently.
Me: [walking away] I am dumber for hearing that story. Enjoy your day.
(Side note, I apologize if any of my co-workers who read this are actually the oatmeal stirring, wooden stick blaming individual. actually, no, I don’t. You should report yourself to the safety committee immediately. They’ll make you wear a sign proclaiming the importance of only using you as a human shield should we ever be invaded.)