Alternate, not so family friendly title: “Ben Affleck is a cock”. More precisely, “Ben Affleck is the 2 foot tall cock sitting on my desk”. Please, allow me to explain before you decide I’ve gone completely off the reservation and never read this blog again.
If you have internet access and are literate, you’ve probably read the blog about Jenny, Victor, and the big metal chicken. If you haven’t, do so immediately. It will change your life…or at least your day.
When a friend sent it to me, her comment was “hey, this could totally be you and B.” Within three seconds of reading it two things became abundantly clear: she knew far too much about my marriage, and I really do need new towels. It is absolutely us, except for the small fact that I didn’t own a FIVE FOOT TALL METAL CHICKEN. It also became clear that I needed to. Particularly since B found no humor in the blog, so clearly he needed to wake up one day with a metal chicken staring at him. Sadly (for me), her blog went viral and there’s been a run on big metal chickens ever since.
Flash to a few weeks ago when I get a text from an unrecognized number with this:
Turns out the number is Howard – you know Howard – the co-worker who is trying to kill me – and he’s asking if I want the chicken. OF COURSE I WANT THE CHICKEN HOWARD. The chicken was waiting patiently for me on my desk Monday morning. Howard, you are forgiven for trying to kill me…but I’m still keeping my eye on you. (For those of you who are silently stewing until the end of this post just dying to write a comment that says “that is a rooster, you sodding imbecile, not a chicken”, I know this. Chicken is a funnier word. Live with it.)
Ben has been the subject of several ridiculous conversations like this one, with a co-worker who, as far as I can tell, has no sense of humor and has no ability to comprehend or use sarcasm. He’s also an accountant.
Humorless Co-worker: That is an interesting cube decoration you have there.
Me: That’s Ben Affleck.
HC: Um, ok.
Me (already enjoying this too much): I named him that because he needed a famous name. And Beyonce was taken already.
HC (COMPLETELY SERIOUS AND LOGICAL): Well, Beyonce is a girl, so that wouldn’t make sense, because that’s a rooster.
HC: But…the name Ben Affleck is already taken too.
Me: Not by a chicken.
HC: And I guess two people can have the same name…(said while walking away clearly pondering the logistics of such a situation)
Me (internal monologue): Do you have ANY idea that everything that just came out of your mouth is freaking hilarious and it’s all I can do to not to laugh directly at you? This is probably funnier if you know me personally, but it was just stupid.
I also have a co-worker with a very strong appreciation of the absurd and an excessive grasp of the concept of sarcasm. Concerned that security would start to give Ben a hard time, he made him a badge. He’s official.
Now, if people would just stop making cock jokes…that’s just inappropriate. Sheesh.