I have this friend who I’ll call Howard because that’s his name. Anonymity is useless here because anyone reading this who knows Howard will know exactly who I’m talking about regardless of some super secret ninja name I give him. Anyone reading this who doesn’t know him, well, doesn’t know him, so it doesn’t much matter what his name is.
So, anyway, I’m pretty sure Howard is trying to kill me. He looks innocent, but he is not. Do not be fooled. He comes over to my desk all chatty chatty friendly and crap to talk about baking and food blogs and zombie ant fungus (it’s real, look it up). Then he comes in with bags of homemade chocolate chip cookies, which I promptly eat for breakfast (not doing so would be rude, right?). THEN he tells me he has “the best popcorn on earth” at his desk. WhatEVER. You can’t tell me that and not expect me to eat
the whole bag a handful. Look at this popcorn:
It’s caramel corn and cheddar corn in one bag, which I thought would be FOUL. It isn’t. It’s fabulous. So fabulous in fact, my fingers are stained orange. It’s distinctly possible I might vomit orange at some point tonight. I spent the last 3 hours of my work day eating this out of a cereal bowl I stole from Howard (a coffee cup would necessitate too many trips back to Howard’s desk and just make me look greedy). Behind the giant bag of magic popcorn, I would like you to note the Costco sized container of peanut butter filled pretzels AND the glass container filled with mini chocolate bars. SERIOUSLY? Crack. Dealer. The apples are just for show. They’re probably not even real.
So, there are only two logical conclusions here:
1. Howard is reading me websites about zombie ant fungus in a thinly veiled effort to confuse me to the point that my brain explodes and I fall down in a writhing pile of overloaded brain matter just to see if I turn into an actual zombie.
– OR –
2. Howard is really a cannibal and he’s trying to fatten me up some more in order to make chili for our next department pot-luck. He did just get a kitchen aid mixer and has mentioned his desire to own the meat grinder attachment. AND he borrowed my chili cookbook. HMMM…people, if Howard tries to serve you chili, DO NOT EAT IT.
Oh, yeah, and I made cinnamon chip cookies tonight. They’re good. I might give some to Howard tomorrow.
Oatmeal Cinnamon Chip Cookies
(adapted from the back of the Hershey’s Cinnamon Chip Bag)
1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine, softened
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
2-1/2 cups quick-cooking oats
1-2/3 cups (10-oz. pkg.) HERSHEY’S Cinnamon Chips
3/4 cup raisins (I left these out because they’re gross)
- Heat oven to 350°F.
- 2 Beat butter, brown sugar and granulated sugar in bowl until creamy. Add eggs and vanilla; beat well. Combine flour and baking soda; add to butter mixture, beating well. Stir in oats & cinnamon chips (and raisins if you’re gross) (batter will be stiff). Drop by heaping teaspoons unto ungreased cookie sheet.
- 3 Bake 10 to 12 minutes on until lightly browned. Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. About 4 dozen.